Month: December 2019

Trust Part 7

Trust Part 7

“Chris’ comment about taking the dangerous oral chemo drug Pazopanib rings in my ears: ‘I wouldn’t take that – it’s too dangerous! Hypertension, heart attack, stroke, pneumothorax – far too dangerous.’ The four little white pills in my hand traumatise me as I take them to Shirley for the first time. ‘Why are you doing this?’ I ask. Her pinched white face looks up at me: ‘Because this could win me time – I want to give God all the time I can so that He can heal me.’ A small tear swells, spills over and slides down. Another one swells in my heart – what faith is this? What trust that her God can do what is necessary! But may need time….”

Trust Part 6

Trust Part 6

“I met Mark falling through the air,” Shirley joked on her wedding day in 1998. By then she had done 88 jumps in her pink and blue sky-diving suit. The total commitment once you leap out of that plane always struck me – what kind of trust was this, other than the total absolute thing? And through her suffering God nurtured the trust she had in Him towards such completeness. To me the acid test came when the consultant told her that there was no hope. All weekend long she lay in bed wrestling: “Do I love God enough to lay down my most precious thing – to lay down my life – if He asks it?’
I kept thinking of Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac. Would Shirley be prepared to offer the same total hugely costly obedience, in her case to be prepared to die – should God ask that of her? ‘Mum,’ she said when finally I crawled in behind her and held her close, ‘it’s okay. If God wants to take me I’m okay with that.’ Here was the same kind of trust again – total and complete.”

Trust Part 5

Trust Part 5

“How does Shirley react to the news in 2013 of her cancer and 10% chance to survive? Disbelief numbs her. She talks and cries. She looks back over her life. In the small hours of the morning she decides. Then she phones: “Mum,” she says, “now it is time to cut my crap.” With impressive resolve she declares even more firmly, “I’m going to cut my crap and do it with God, Mum.” Holding the little wooden cross that lives on her bedside table she says, ” For me the big thing now is can I trust God? Because if I can trust Him I can believe everything He’s now promised me. I can stand on His promises.” And that’s exactly what she decides to do. Fear makes it a struggle but much of the time she does just that.
(From my book, “Mum please help me die”)

Trust Part 4

Trust Part 4

Right now I drink deep – I have to, as Chronic Fatigue bites after two more presentations of the amazing Shirley story and before two more. I’m just sitting with Him – so cool – and drinking deep.Shirley’s eleven months of brutal cancer had her drinking deep time after time after time. When she couldn’t breath after relieving herself she had me put my hand on her heaving chest and pray until it stilled and she could breath again. And she would say, “It’s okay now Mum – you can go back to bed.” That was drinking really deep – actually it was putting her trust of Jesus into action. We trusted and we drank. I have just read this and I think it’s beautiful: ‘God loves an uttermost confidence in Himself – to be wholly trusted.’ As Shirley would say, ‘Whoo hoo!’